Angel: Season 5
by Imogene
Summary: Previously on Buffy and Angel....
1. Default Chapter

Intro:  
  
This is my version of Angel set 2 years in the future. A lot of Buffy season 6/Angel season 3 is cannon, with some changes. In my world, Buffy took Dawn to Angel after she became too difficult to cope with, Xander & Anya got back together and went to live in Washington and had a son Charlie, but aren't married yet. Spike didn't get a soul and Willow never got better from Tara's death and also left. Everything else is cannon  
  
In Angel everything is cannon up until season 4. In my world, Cordelia came back of her own accord, she still had her memory and visions but was no longer half demon or a higher power, and her visions can't kill her. No one quite sure what happened but they don't bother asking. Connor has been reunited with Angel and no longer wants to kill him, they are in fact quite close nowadays. Gunn and Fred broke up and Wesley came back to them team. Fred and Welsey are now engaged and Cordelia and Gunn are a couple. Connor fancies Dawn and they are close but Dawn doesn't want a relationship with him, or anyone for now.  
  
Through the past two years Buffy has been more and more isolated and depressed. Spike is the only person she really sees anymore and their lust/abusive relationship is damaging them both, mentally and physically. In a lat ditch attempt to regain control of her life, Buffy goes to LA to visit Dawn, and hopefully allow Angel to set her on the right track again. 


	2. Breakdown

ANGEL: SEASON 5  
  
- A New Hope  
  
  
  
  
  
BREAKDOWN  
  
  
  
Title: Breakdown Author: Imogene Disclaimer: All the characters for the BtVS verse and the AtS verse belong to Joss Whedon, Marti Nixon, David Greenwalt, UPN, WB etc. New characters all belong to me. Distribution: Beth's site "First Time For Everything", anyone else, just ask Dedication: to Beth for all her help and ideas and to Ally for all her lovely fanart. Summary: Set 2 years in future, Buffy joins the A-Team after a break-down Notes: This is going to be like a season of Angel, set 2 years in the future (hence season 5) I've got a lot of back-story of what's happened to all the significant characters both Scooby Gang and the A-Team that's important to read to understand what's going on. If you really can't be bothered to read it, you at least need to know Dawn's been living with Angel for the past 2 years and Wesley and Fred are engaged Rating: PG-13, in this ep. There will be possible higher rating for later episodes. ~~~****~~~  
  
Buffy stood outside the Hyperion Hotel. It was big. Huge. Like the mansion Angel had owned in Sunnydale. It seemed to fit him perfectly - old yet good to look it. Even if she hadn't know he was living there she could have just guessed, everything about the building was Angel-y. She looked at the crumpled business card Angel had given her once with the address on, the night of her mommy's funeral. He made her promise to come to him if she ever needed help, and now here she was. She was surprised to note there was even a fax and e-mail address, no doubt Cordelia's doing she doubted Angel himself agreed to them.  
  
A small sad smile curved along her cheek as her mind drifted back to the mansion when Angel lived there. All of them had been so innocent then. Things were simple - Willow and Xander were her best buds, Cordelia was the popular bitch queen. Giles was her watcher ,Angel was her boyfriend, she was an only child and she fought evil. Things had become blurred. She lost virtually everyone in one way or another. She wished she was eighteen again, despite the hardships she had gone through then she had a reason to fight, she had friends, and she was loved. Now she had none of that.  
  
It seemed such a long time ago now, she wasn't even sure that she should be here at all, after all they lead different lives now, she'd said it herself. Tears began to well in her eyes as she thought about her "life" now. Dead people had better ones than she did. She knew that for a fact! She knew why she had come but, she couldn't seem to take the final last step and go inside. She began to feel how people felt at Alcoholic Anonymous meeting - the hardest part was admitting they had a problem, that was exactly how Buffy felt. She needed help, badly. Things were getting out of control for her, they had been out of control ever since she'd been brought back from death - two years ago. She should be better by now, she should be grateful, happy, living life to the full but in truth she didn't feel any of those things. She was empty, hollow. She wanted to die again, be at peace.  
  
At that moment she hated herself, hated what she had become. She didn't bother to stop the tears. They came thick and fast, an unstoppable current of despair welled up inside her. She'd really screwed up this time. She was supposed to be the Slayer, the world's chosen warrior, but she was also a young woman, not yet 25 who had died and be resurrected twice, lost her mother, gained a sister, lost her true love, been left by her Watcher/surrogate her natural father had abandoned her, one of her best friends had become her enemy, the other had moved away..and she had turned to a soulless - albeit "chipped" demon for 'comfort' - which translated into raw, hot fucking. Not sex or love-making. She'd had sex with Parker and Riley, made love to Angel, but Spike. neither. They're had be no love in their encounters, just pure need, on both their parts her to feel something and Spike.to dominant the great Slayer.  
  
Now she was broken. Sitting on the step of her ex love's hotel crying her eyes out because of the mess she'd made of her life, because of all she'd lost and all she had to still deal with. She knew what she had to do, shakily she stood up climbing those stairs was the hardest thing she had had to do, at least next to having to her send a souled Angel to Hell. Nothing could ever top that. Slowly she reached up and rang the bell. Immediately as the bell jingled out a cheerful tune, she was struck with what she had done, reality came crashing down on her.she wanted to run away, go back to Sunnydale. That's right go back, pretend everything's normal, fine. *You can even let Spike fuck you again* sneered a little voice in her head. The Slayer voice that always protested when she gave up. Before it had always been the loudest voice, giving her the strength to run the extra mile, to patrol for another night - to carry on living. It was the Old Buffy speaking, not this new worn out, exhausted Buffy.  
  
Sighing she turned round, there was no point in dragging Angel to her level now. He had enough suffering in his life without his ex girlfriend's problems, but at that moment the door opened and Buffy mentally cursed herself for ringing the bell, there was no escape now. Slowly she turned round to face the person. Buffy's heart almost crumpled at the sight she met. It was Dawn. Her little sister, who she had died to save, she would still die to save her. She looked so different now, which wasn't surprising really. Dawn was now seventeen - a young woman. She'd really blossomed under Angel care. Her heart sank further. She knew how much Dawn had improved under Angel care. He had been able to prove the stability and discipline that Dawn had needed so badly when she began running wild. Buffy herself hadn't been in any state to take care of her, having been pulled from heaven. Feeling neglected Dawn had turned to theft, lie and staying out. In the end she had taken her to Angel, originally she'd only intended Dawn to stay there a week or two, but Dawn had got on so well that she'd ended up living with him. It'd been a huge blow to Buffy self-esteem that her ex boyfriend could take better care of her sister than she could. But she also knew how well Dawn and Angel had always got on when she and Angel were together. Angel had been the big brother Dawn had longed for, and he'd been more than willing to fill that role. She looked so happy and content. A huge smile was on Dawn's face, her eyes lit up in joy at seeing her sister. Buffy almost wanted to cry again.  
  
"Ohmigod! Buffy!" the girl squealed joyfully and flung herself into Buffy's arms giving her big sister and bear hug. Choking back the tears Buffy returned the hug fiercely. For a few minute the estranged sisters did nothing but hug, eventually Buffy pulled back to look at her sister, and smiled weakly at her sister "hey Dawnie" she whispered. Dawn grinned at her "It's Dawn now, I'm way too old to be called Dawnie, or Punkin' belly for that matter" she giggled. It was a good sound, one which she had missed more than she realised. Buffy pulled Dawn back slightly and looked at her. She noticed Dawn had cut her hair, just below her shoulders, it was darker too. She guessed Cordy had done Dawn make-up which was immaculate, and brought out just how much Dawn had changed, at least physically in the past two years. Gone was the little fourteen year old hunted by a goddess and gone was the difficult, sullen fifteen year old.  
  
She'd seen Dawn in the past two years in holidays but it was only now that it struck her just now much Dawn had really grown up. "Don't you recognise your little sis?" Dawn jibbed gently, not knowing how that statement hurt Buffy. It was then that Dawn noticed her sister's face. It was streaked with tears, the bruised swelling around her eye, from her last encounter with Spike.not something she really wanted to remember - but they her whole history with Spike was best forgotten. A concerned frown brushed over Dawn's face. She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen Buffy cry. She also knew that she tried to keep out of Angel's life as much as possible now, she knew about Connor and tried convince herself he didn't need her.  
  
Angel had a new life now - friends - real friends, a son, a thriving business and her little sister to take care of, he didn't need her to dump a load more emotional baggage on his shoulders. She wondered briefly what his son was like - she knew due to a kidnap he'd be about 17 now, would he look like Angel - or Darla? What was he like - an icy fear swept over her at the idea of him being like a combined Darla and Angelus. Did he miss his mother? Would he even want her around - would Angel for that matter?  
  
He carried the world's troubles as it was, and she would be damned if she'd add to that list. Buffy switched to robot-mode almost automatically, a smile plastered across her face, that strikingly resembled the "Buffybot's" smile. It freaked Dawn out. She knew the Fake Smile when she saw it. "you look great Dawn" she said, trying to appear natural "and you look like you've just crawled out from a place I don't what to know about" Dawn said bluntly  
  
"You've been around Cordelia waaay too much" Buffy gently chided "Nice try Buffy, I know something's up. Cordy said you can always tell a phoney by looking in their eyes - and you look like your about to break" Dawn sighing, pain creeping into her voice. Dawn tried to searched her sister's eyes - and then she saw it - fear, disgust, despair, anger, pain - all in those huge eyes of hers. "What's wrong, what's happened to you Buffy?" she whispered at her sister. Dawn felt herself slipping into the big-sister/mother role that Buffy had so easily slipped into for her. Buffy's face crumbled like a little child's. Her whole posture sank, despair radiated from her in waves. "I.I just wanted to see you" Buffy mumbled, not quite looking Dawn in the eye. "You've been crying" Dawn said quietly "you never cry anymore, and you wouldn't come here unless it was important. Judging by your face, something major's happened. I'm not leaving you alone until you tell me, besides I don't think you drove two hours to 'just see me' so spill, what's happened?" Dawn said in a surprisingly calm and authoritative voice. Buffy felt like a little child with her mother.oh God she missed her mommy so much.  
  
Perhaps if she hadn't died she wouldn't be in this mess, mommy would have been there to love her, she wouldn't have left her like Angel and Giles - the two men she counted on most, and she certainly wouldn't have turned to Spike for some "warmth" and "affection" she wouldn't have needed that kind of reassurance. Yet her mommy had left her - as had everyone else, even Dawnie. "Oh Dawn.I.I'm in a mess" she admitted, tears running down her checks.  
  
"What's happened?" Dawn gently prodded, trying to hide her alarm at this sudden outbreak. Gazing at her sister, who looked so.defeated it hurt her more than anything at that moment. "I shouldn't have come here" sniffled Buffy "I was just so lonely and confused I.I didn't want to be alone" her voice was barely a whisper. A far cry from the once confident smiling slayer she had once been. Dawn gathered Buffy up in her arms and hugged her tight, despite their ages Dawn was half an inch taller than Buffy and made Buffy feel like a small child. She needed someone to hug and reassure her. To look after her, she was so tired. Everything in her life was a struggle: work, slaying, talking - even eating. She wanted to be removed from it all. She was so very tired. Dawn felt helpless as she held her sobbing sister.  
  
All she could do was stroke Buffy's hair, soothing her as Buffy had done countless times to her. Dawn hated feeling helpless, especially when it came to her sister. Buffy, who had done so much for her - give up her life for her. In some deep recess of her brain she felt it was all her fault - Buffy had died to save her - to save the world. She'd been brought back by Willow, and things had never been the same Buffy had never fully recovered from being yanked out of heaven. She'd never told her what it was like or what had happened, and she didn't need to. Dawn could quite easily guess what Buffy's heaven was.  
  
Willow wouldn't have needed to bring her back, because Buffy wouldn't have died. She wouldn't be in this state now. Dawn knew how ridicules this train of thought was but it wouldn't leave her alone. "I'm so s-s-sorry D-Dawn" she bawled, "it's a-all my fault.I l-let him, I j-just wanted to feel s- something" she choked out. Dawn didn't know what to do, or how to respond to her hysterical sister.  
  
"Hey, Dawn who's th-" began Angel, coming down the stairs and stopped dead at the sight that greeted him. Buffy was in the hotel, sobbing hysterically in Dawn's arms. A look of alarm crossed Angel's face. What had happened to Buffy to make her so desperately unhappy? Dawn looked up at Angel, her face etched with worry. She was clearly out of her bounds. Uncertainly he stepped forward. He didn't know what to do with the hysterical slayer in front of him. That hurt him, there was a time when he always knew how to comfort her. He would sweep her up in his embrace and she was safe and happy again.  
  
She had once told him that nothing bad could ever happen to her when she was in his arms. He wished that was true, but the truth was he didn't know Buffy anymore. She'd changed from the vibrant, caring, confident young woman he'd loved and cherished with his entire being, and still did he admitted to himself. He knew no matter what happened he would always love Buffy Summers.  
  
She changed into a with-drawn, nervous, exhausted woman in front of him. "Buffy" he whispered gently as he walked up to them. That mere word caused Buffy to turn her head. Her eyes widened when she saw who was there. "Angel, I'm so sorry, I.I wanted to see Dawn and-"  
  
"It's OK.what's happened to you?" he said soothingly, his gaze boring into hers. "What ever it is we'll sort it out. I'll help you through this" he said gently. His eyes somehow sootthing her slightly. Buffy wanted to throw herself into his arms and never leave. Still, after all this time, Angel was the only person who truly understood her. Knew the loneliness of her crusade, after all when it came down to it weren't they always alone in their battles. Buffy sniffled, desperately trying to whip away the tears. She could barely look him in the eyes, as if she was ashamed or something. Slowly Angel lifted up her chin, so her eyes met his. "I can't.I'm a mess Angel. I've screwed up majorly.I.I don't know what to do! I just want to die" she sobbed. Without thinking, Angel gathered her up in his arms, holding her tightly, as she sobbed all her fears, loneliness, anger and sorrow over the past years. "Buffy...I remember I wanted to die once and someone told me to be strong and fight. She promised to help me" Buffy looked up at him immeditaly recognising those words. "and now I'm saying the same to you. You can't give up Buffy, no matter what life throws at you"  
  
"But it so hard!" she sobbed incoherantly. "I know, I know but you can't give up. I'll help but you can't give up Buffy. I won't let you" he said firmly, stroking her hair in a soothing motion.  
  
Angel glanced at Dawn who looked half relived, half shell-shocked. In a private communication between them Dawn managed a small smile, as she quietly walked upstairs to her room. She didn't know what had happened to Buffy, but she did know that no one would be able to help her more than Angel. What ever was wrong he'd help her.  
  
****  
  
"So our time has come" came a soft voice. Soft, commanding yet completely mesmerising. It was like a mother comforting a child - they all felt it, the warmth that surrounded his words. Which was strange considering his words would probably result in their deaths, and they found they did not mind. Strange.  
  
From behind a huge leather chair. They knew what an honour it was being even this close to him. This was the moment they had dreamed of since they entered the establishment. People had died for this privilege. Here they were in the same room. Of course they never saw his face - his back was turned at all times.  
  
Few had seen the man face to face and even fewer reported what they had seen.  
  
The five looked at each other. They knew the task ahead of them. They were surrounded by the ultimate in technology. They had access to things people would only dream future generations would have.of course the technology wasn't for their pleasure.  
  
"Things are moving quickly - more so than even I had anticipated. Action must be taken immediately, the future of this planet will be affected by your actions as from now. You have all been chosen for your various abilities. No one of you can complete the operation without the others. You must depend and trust each other 110% - there will be no further discussion on this matter. We have received information that the slayer, Buffy Summers had left Sunnydale to visit her former lover, the souled vampire, Angel. It appears Miss Summers has had a breakdown - of sorts. We must locate where the vampire and his team are staying. Please note that none of his team are to be taken lightly. They have been trained by Angel himself. They have survived innumerable perilous situations. Never underestimate the strength of numbers. You must move quickly. I need the information on the slayer and the vampire, and I do not expect any failure."  
  
Without another word, the seven were gone. He knew they would not fail him, the were the best of the best - or so he had been told. A weary sigh came from the chair as he flipped through the information again, details of exactly every aspect their target's lives. Angelus's human past, Cordelia's infancy, Welsey's training as a watcher, Gunn's sister's murder, Buffy's calling - every scrap of information on their lives was available to him - they knew them more than they probably knew themselves. This was the moment he had been preparing for his entire life. Everything he had done - fought for had been for this. Yet all he could do now was sigh. He was really getting to old for this.  
  
****  
  
Buffy sat with Angel on the sofa, holding a mug of steaming tea which she hadn't touched. Her shoulders were hunched and she was gazing down at her feet, but at least she'd stopped sobbing. He never seen her like this, so tired and defeated. She'd always been so strong, when he was on his last legs due to the First Evil she'd saved him. Her fury for and at him had stopped him greeting the sun. She fought with him, yelled and begged him. His love for her had brought him to the brink of insanity and brought him back. Her love for him had saved her.  
  
That wasn't the first or last time she'd saved his life, and sanity. Now it was time to return the favour. Whatever had happened it was serious. He remembered when she'd brought Dawn to stay with him. He should have sensed things weren't right then. She'd been through a death and resurrection for God sake! Did he really need to have a huge neon sign saying she wasn't OK. Obviously he did.  
  
He should have told her to stay too, but he let her go and then Giles had left...and everything had clasped. Maybe she wouldn't be in this mess now. Should have, could have - so many things he had done wrong.  
  
Maybe he never should have gone to the Oracles a second time...just taken his time with Buffy. If she was destined to die in the battle against Glory. If he'd know he would have grabbed their time together. He would have stayed human and died with her in battle. They would have had their time together - even if it was only a few years they would have been together. If only he know...but everything always came to late. Gazing at her he felt his heart break yet again for the love he possessed for this young woman.  
  
He didn't know what was worse, her hysterical outbursts or this.nothingness, lack of emotion or whatever it was. "So.you feel like talking about what's happened?" he asked oh that's great Angel - really well thought out! He mentally berated himself. Buffy looked up at him, her eyes looking even bigger than usual. At that moment Angel felt his heart break for her all over again. What had happened to the girl he had loved with all his being - still loved, he corrected himself.  
  
He'd heard of Giles leaving, he had been more shocked than anyone. Giles had always been Buffy's lifeline. Stood by her when there was no one else. For a moment Angel had been angry with Giles - how could he abandon her - especially after all she had been through, but in truth.he'd done exactly the same thing. Left her. Everyone had deserted her, the people she should have been able to rely on most - her parents, her watcher, her lover, her best friends.  
  
Angel felt tides of guilt washing through him. Was he reasonable for this? Would this have happened if he stayed? He remembered his meeting with Buffy after she had been brought back, she'd been.different then. All the fire in her had gone, there was no fighting, no tears or kisses - just.talking. Polite unless conversation. That had been what had cut him up most. He hadn't been able to stand seeing Buffy like that, so he ignored it. He hadn't seen the serious of the situation because he hadn't wanted to. He'd buried his head in the sand - hoping it would go away, but it hadn't and she'd got worse. And it was his fault.  
  
Yet at the same time, he knew he wasn't solely responsible, it was ridiculous to keep blaming himself. She'd fooled all her friends, why shouldn't she fool her ex-boyfriend? Because he knew it wasn't true - Buffy couldn't fool him, anymore than he could fool her. It had always been that way, he'd always been glad of that - until that meeting.everything had unravelled then.  
  
For over three months he'd mourned Buffy, cherished their memories together.those short three years with her had touched him in a way that no one had ever been able to. This tiny woman had turned him into a champion of good, this tiny woman who was sitting huddled next to him. She had saved his soul - his life. Now it was time to repay the favour.  
  
Buffy stared at her mug. Angel hadn't said anything for the past ten minutes. She knew he was mulling over his part in all this.she could almost hear him wondering if his leaving had brought her to - this. It was a big lie. He couldn't have stopped her from - pardon the pun, falling. It would be easy to blame him. It was simple - if he hadn't left her she wouldn't have given up on life, would have kept her going.she wouldn't have jumped.again a big lie. He'd had to leave, if he'd stayed it would have killed them both. Not that it mattered now - they were both dead. She may have a pulse and heartbeat, but she was as far from alive as possible.  
  
She wanted him to put her arm round her, pull her close and whisper comforting words in her ear, like he used to. But he wouldn't do that anymore, too many things had happened. She didn't feel as if she had the right to be comforted by him anymore truthfully. She felt dirty. She was the slayer - a force for good. She killed demons and other things that prayed on the innocent, like Dawn.  
  
Dawn. She was the reason she had continued. She'd fought for that innocence. The innocence she had lost so long ago. She had become part of that darkness she fought so hard against, had revelled in it. She'd given herself to a soulless demon, because she longed to feel something - anything. She'd been so cold after she was brought back.and Spike had seen that and used it to his advantage. She wondered if Angel knew - if he knew how low she had sank. He'd always put her on a pedestal. She'd been his goddess, this young blond haired girl full of laughter and innocence. She'd fallen in love with a world weary souled demon.with an angelic face. A demon with an angel's soul. He loved her completely. She had been the perfection of good - key word, had.  
  
She could no longer be called innocent or good. Angel couldn't consider himself unworthy of her, if anything she was unworthy of him. He had kept up the good fight. She had given up.  
  
"Look.I, I think it would be best if you stayed here for a few days y'know, just to get back on your feet" he added hastily. "I.um, I'm not sure I've kinda gotta get back to Sunnydale - y'know slayer stuff" she babbled. Angel simply raised an eye brow at that, he even Buffy was lying, but he let it pass, he really didn't feel like fighting with her at the moment. "I really can't" she pleaded, still not daring to look at him, if she did she'd.shatter. "There's a lot going on back home, and I can't just leave it" "Then did you come here?" he asked gently "why did you leave all of Sunnydale behind and pay an unannounced visit here - I don't mind, but I think I have the right to know what's going on back there, and please don't tell me there's nothing wrong. Nothing doesn't drag you away from Sunnydale" he added, holding up his hand to stall her protests. Of course he was right, there was no point in lying to Angel, he'd just see right through it anyway. She sighed, this was going to be harder than she originally thought. "It's a long story-"  
  
"I'm not exactly getting any older" he pointed out  
  
"Your not going to like it - in fact your probably gonna hate me when I tell you - if you do, it's fine cause I pretty much hate myself too. Things started to go wrong when Mom died, I wasn't Dawn's big sister anymore, I was her mommy with adult responsibilities, paying bills, disciplining Dawn, stopping Glory - all the stuff I told you about when you visited me after Mom's funeral. I didn't want to deal with it. Riley had left me and I felt I had no one to turn to. Not even Giles. Things began to change, Willow was getting more and more powerful, Xander and Anya were wrapped up in each other, Dawn needed me but I could handle it. Then I died. I was ready to leave, it was the right time and I'd accepted my death, I gave a speech to Dawn and jumped. I wasn't scared - it was a welcome relief. I was at peace, all I knew was peace and happiness after spending five years fighting demons I was glad. I didn't want to peace, but Willow decided it would be better for me - her if I was back among the living. She didn't consider I might be happy. She just wanted me back. She used black - really black magick to bring me back, and I hated her for it. I was back and I had to snap back into life - fight demons, pay bills, look after Dawn.and I was sick of it. After three months dead I couldn't face living again, but no one noticed. I became the living dead and no one cared. Willow gradually became obsessed with magick, Dawn became increasingly difficult, she was always moaning about something, Anya and Xander were busy with their wedding, Giles left and Spike was still obsessing about me."  
  
Here she paused slightly and saw a muscle tick on Angel's jaw at the mention of Spike's name, but he didn't say anything.  
  
"I slept with Spike cause I wanted to feel something. I felt so dead and cold that I just needed to feel anything. Even if it was Spike. I never believed he loved me - lusted and obsessed about me - definitely but loved? No way. I think was.attracted to him at one point. He was a way out of my life. I know he's essentially evil but I didn't care, I just wanted to feel. Spike allowed me to feel - whether it was lust or hate, I didn't care but at least I was feeling. I thought he'd be happy when he'd slept with me, leave me alone now that he'd slept with the great Buffy, but he didn't. He wanted more and more, and I gave it him because I didn't know what else to do. I neglected Dawn, my slaying duties, my friends because I wanted to feel more and Spike was there. I was using him, just as he used me but I didn't care, I hated him yet I couldn't get enough of him. I got a job at a cheep burger bar because I didn't bother looking for anything else - I didn't feel good enough for anything else. Spike stripped me of the little self-respect I had left and I didn't mind. I didn't care much about anything, not even Dawn, I sent her to you so she'd be properly looked after cause I couldn't, and I hated myself for that but I couldn't stop myself. The things really fell apart, Xander ran out on Anya, she got her vengeance powers back, Willow sank deeper into magick - she was furious when she finds out about me and Spike. I was given an ultimatum: her or Spike, I choose Spike cause I was still so mad with her - what right did she have to make me make choices like that? She brought me back against my will.I didn't want Willow's friendship anymore - I didn't want Xander around either, I wanted to be on my own. When Tara was killed, Willow really went off the deep end, she became my enemy, a powerful one. I couldn't kill her I couldn't stake Spike.I didn't know if I was the slayer anymore, and frankly I didn't care."  
  
By now tears were running down Buffy's face. Her voice was raw from having talked so much. All the bottled up emotions began to spill out, as bitter tears fell down her cheeks. She'd never talked this candidly about her relationship with Spike to anyone - not even Tara, and here she was talking to her ex-lover. It was emotionally draining for her to admit and for Angel to listen to, but she knew it was something she had to do, Angel had to be told, no matter how much it hurt. Angel didn't say anything for a moment, what could he say to that? "Y'know what the worse part is?" whispered Buffy, gazing at the floor, hoping he wouldn't see the tears running down her cheeks "when I was in heaven I had everything I wanted, my mom and dad together, Dawn safe my friends happy, no demons or monsters to slay.and.and you" she whispered "you were always there, guarding me. My guardian angel" she said, smiling through her tears. Angel felt an over-whelming sadness, seeing the girl - no woman he loved reduced to such a wreak. "It's not fair! All I ever wanted was you, I just wanted to be happy!" she sobbed, growing almost hysterical. She'd never told this to anyone, not even when she'd told Spike about being in heaven. Then all the fire went out of her, and she seemed dead again. Looking up she continued as if staring deep into space.  
  
"I told Spike y'know - about heaven. He was the only one who knew until it was forced out of me, I told my friends I was in a hell dimension" at that Angel visibly flinched. "I couldn't tell them 'thanks for bringing me back, but 'know I was happy I was in heaven' so I lied, but Spike got the truth. I needed to tell someone - you thought I was dead, and Spike.I guess cause he had a chip - not a soul I could dismiss Spike as a real person, he was kinda like a diary or imaginary friend. I pretended if I told him it wouldn't count - cause Spike's only a monster, right? But I never told him about you, I didn't tell anyone about you. We were together months, years, centuries I don't know, time passes differently there, but we were happy, you were always laughing, and your family was there too. Everyone was happy" she sighed, as she buried her face in her hands, unable to speak any more. Angel gently placed his hand on her back, stroking in gentle circular motions, he really didn't know what to do other than trying to show his support  
  
All the energy had been drained from her, it had taken her so much effort to get here, then to admit all that to Angel, it had been the most difficult thing she had had to do in a long time. A bone-weariness came over her, she felt so tired, so drained. If she could only sleep for the next six months, it was be great. "Buffy, I want you to stay here for a while. You can't go back to Sunnydale like this, you need some time to yourself. You can see Dawn, and um Cordelia" she ended sheepishly. Buffy smiled weakly at that, it'd been a long time since she'd seen Queen C or Wesley for that matter. She wondered if they'd changed at all from the shallow prom queen and the smug, bumbling watcher she'd known back in Sunnydale. "You look exhausted, why don't you try and get some rest" Angel suggested. Truthfully he needed some time alone to digest all that she had told him in the past half hour, and to try and calm himself down before he went to skin Spike. Slowly.  
  
Buffy nodded, understanding the unspoken message. It always amazed her how they could communicate without words. It was all in their eyes. "Try to get some sleep Buffy. I'll tell the others you're here" he soothed, as Buffy slumped back into the pillow and as she closed her eyes she allowed herself to relax for the first time in two years. ***~~~***  
  
Angel walked slowly down to the lobby, and sat on the bottom step. Sighing he ran his fingers through his hair. His head was still spinning from what Buffy had told him, he was her heaven? He still couldn't believe that. Still they'd had some amazing times together, he knew that much. At that moment the clattering of a door announced the rest of the team returning from.wherever they had be. "Man you missed a classic fight Angel!" shouted Gunn across the lobby, as he took some practice swings with his home-made axe, which was covered in bright yellow demon goo. "Yes, I forget how much fun slicin' and dicing demons can be" replied Cordelia in a false cheerful voice "especially the mirages the Powers best me with in order for us to have the best fight of our lives, nothing like a dismemberment to cheer up the dull afternoon" she commented as she flopped on the couch, plucking up a magazine at random. "EWWW! PLAYBOY?!?" she shrieked, her face turning white, and eyes flashing with fury. "I swear Charles if this is yours I'm gonna pull out your eye-"  
  
"I believe that was left here by one of our clients a Mr Jonah Winston Cumberland - the man with the platinum card who bought you lunch" smirked Wesley, and was rewarded with a scowl from the seer. "Are you alright Angel?" ventured Fred, who saw Angel sitting on the steps. "Ugh, don't tell me - Connor and Dawn are arguing over something...why can't they just get along for once?" she moaned "I swear if I have to sort out one more, just one more argument over Linkin Park verses Limp Bizkit I swear I'll pull my hair out"  
  
"Nice imagery but can we get back on track?" Wesley sighed "Yo Angel man, are you OK, you look pale-r than usual" Gunn offered helpfully "No.I.Buffy's here" he blurted out, not knowing quite how to put it "that's what I love about this guy, man always gets straight to the point" commented Gunn, Cordelia wasn't so complacent "WHAT?!? SHE'S HERE?! As in here here? Ohh this is not good, things happen - bad things. Did someone died or something.OK that's never a good thing o joke about being in Sunnydale and all...and...and happiness clause, I swear every time you two are together, if I have to pick up the pieces of the Buffy and Angel show once more-"  
  
"CORDELIA!" yelled Angel, exasperated, she immediately closed her mouth, a hurt look crossing her face. "Can you pull yourself together for a few seconds!! Sorry but she kinda took me by surprise. She just turned up, no warning. I found her sobbing in Dawn's arms, and sporting a large bruise" "Buffy doesn't bruise" pointed out Wesley, beginning to feel something bad was coming this way. Cordelia had a sinking feeling - when it involved the blond slayer, it was always bad. "She's in a mess, emotionally. She's unstable" "What you like Faith-unstable or Darla unstable?" Cordelia asked, a slight bitterness in her tone, at a look from Angel she held up her hands in defeat "just asking!" "She's been involved with Spike-" "Oh My God! I can't believe that - she can't have sunk that low, talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel. I mean you and her were bad enough, but I could understand that cause you have a soul, but Spike, he's just chipped. Chipped isn't a soul! Besides she's always hated Spike" she shrieked, disbelief masking her features. "I know, I don't understand it either but as I said she's in a bad state." It was clear that there was more to it than that but wisely none of them commented on it.  
  
"You don't think she's suffering a - a breakdown of sorts" ventured Wesley, he heard of a few such cases, slayers breaking down after too much fighting, too much ware and tare, but Buffy had always seemed so strong, not just physically but mentally as well, but after all she'd been through it really wasn't surprising "I think she might be, I'm not sure. It really upset Dawn when she saw Buffy like that. I think Buffy should stay here a few weeks, just to get herself back on her feet" he suggested tentatively. He waited for the explosion, but none came "Well ah don't know this 'Buffy' but - if she's in trouble as think we should let he stay, ah mean we do help the hopeless right, and she seems pretty hopeless to me, and I know you guys all helped me when ah was all.whacked out, ah think we should do the same for her" said Fred quietly. Angel smiled at her, but awaited the others verdicts. He looked at Wesley and Cordelia, they had know his saga with Buffy, especially Cordelia and they knew Buffy. "I don't like it" admitted Cordelia "but Fred's right, we help the hopeless, even Buffy. I just don't want you guys getting all.groiny on us" she muttered  
  
"I hardly think that is an issue Cordelia, I mean Buffy need help and comfort not.well, um as you said" he stammered, blushing, Cordelia simply rolled her eyes "Comfort of the no orgy variety" she clarified, causing Fred and Wesley to look to the floor in embarrassment, and Gunn to grin "Don't worry we trust ya big guy" grinned Gunn. Trust his Cordy to say what English wouldn't. "I've given her a room upstairs, she's asleep right now" Angel informed them. "I'd appreciate it if we kept the voice down. Is Connor still asleep?" he queried, he really didn't want Connor wakening Buffy, she needed a good rest. "Does he do anything but sleep?" queried Cordelia. "Hey!" came a voice descending down the stairs. "Uh, did anyone notice we have a blond visitor sleeping upstairs?" Connor asked, his face completely confused "Yeah, Angel's ex - Buffy, Dawn's sister, vampire slayer she's having a breakdown" summarised Cordelia waving a hand absently. "She's not having a breakdown she just needs a rest" insisted Dawn who suddenly appeared on he stairs her arms folded. Connor grinned at her, she looked so cute when she was angry. "Hey can we keep it down, I don't want you two to wake Buffy" Angel warned glaring at Connor and Dawn  
  
"nah, she can sleep like a log. A steel band couldn't wake her up" commented Dawn. "that is just as well" came a deep voice from the entrance "so she will not be able to help you" several large, muscular demons stood at the door. Each was about seven feet tall, with leathery, silvery- blue skin. They're eyes set horizontally across their faces and were bright red, large fang-like teeth dripped from their mouths and, long stringy hair and very sharp claws completed their appearance. They were everything demons were pictured they had always been pictured to be in nightmares "Give us the boy" one commanded "Can't you guys ever come up with anything new?" sighed Connor, shaking his head "it's quite sad really - I mean if you go to all this effort you should at least have some decent one-liners" he commented as he stepped closer to his father "Connor" Angel warned as he tried to quietly push him back. But Connor wouldn't budge, he was sick of people pushing him to the sidelines. He could take care of himself, after all he'd grown up fighting in a demon dimension.  
  
"you guys never learn do you?" sighed Buffy, as she walked down from the stairs, crossing her arms across her chest. She looked tired but resolute, there was no way they were getting Connor. "Always gotta try and sacrifice something, what you have too much spare time on your hands?" she quipped, then her face instantly hardened "You want the boy, you've gotta get through me and Angel first" she snarled, automatically going into fight mode. It was a long time since she had felt this need to protect someone surge through her, not since she rescued Dawn from Glory. It was a good feeling to have back. She'd always felt free when she was fighting, but now more importantly she had a reason to fight. "Foolish girl you are no match- " "Oh save it for someone who cares" Buffy snapped, she was tired and achy last thing she needed was some ego inflated demon to deal with.  
  
Connor was an innocent, and more importantly he was Angel's son and she'd see the hell on earth before she allowed these demons to take him. Unfortunately Connor hadn't moved, nor had Dawn, oh God they were going to try and fight it thought Buffy, as a horrible recognition dawned on her. She didn't have time to push them out the way, but swore if they got out alive she'd give Dawn a lecture that would put Giles to shame.  
  
the head demon shrieked, three demons rushed forward to grab Connor, Buffy automatically back-flipped to the weapon cabinet and grabbed an axe, as she aimed it directly at the creature's torso, it screamed in agony, but didn't back up "Get out of here!" yelled Buffy, as she struggled to grab the axe, which had landed on the floor "NO!" shrieked Dawn, as she ran forward to help. "Dawn, Connor you heard the woman, beat it!!!" bellowed Gunn. Why couldn't those kids ever follow orders? "Hey ugly!" shouted Dawn to one of the creatures "you don't attack my sister and get away with it" she grabbed a huge broadsword laying on the floor and ran towards it. "Hang on Dawn, I'm coming" shouted Connor as he ran to help her. He'd be damned if he'd let Dawn take on this ugly alone. "Dawn no!" yelled Angel. Oh God if Dawn's killed I'll never forgive myself. Angel though, as he ran towards her, Dawn was taking unaimed swipes at it, as Connor missed with a spear. They were angry and making mistakes, Connor knew this but didn't care. He just wanted to cause the creature some pain, just wipe the stupid smirk off it's face. the monster laughed. "Is that the best you can do child?" he smirked. These children didn't know what they were doing, amateurs the best kind for fighting.  
  
"No, I can do this too!" snarled Dawn as she rammed it into his stomach. The creature made a gurgling noise, as if it was being choked. "It's stomach is it's weak point!" yelled Dawn, "attack the stomach!" she watched with satisfaction as the creature slumped to the ground. Connor gave it another stab, and a kick to the head for good measure "that was easy enough!" he grinned. If he'd had time Angel would have glared at his son. One down five to go. Gunn aimed a blow at the stomach, another fell. Angel took down another one. Their odds were improving.  
  
At that moment Lorne walked in "Uhh.is this a bad time?" he called "You could say that Greeny" calling Cordelia as she pulled out her axe of a recently killed demon. "Oh my stars." exclaimed Lorne, as he saw the last of the creatures left swoop on Connor. He tried to counter-act the attack, but the sword was knocked out of his hand and flung across the room. Connor was forced to use his fists against the creature with the nasty looking fangs.  
  
Lorne had a split second to act, he ran towards Connor, even though he knew he'd never make it in time. Suddenly a flash of blond hair came streaking in front of him, and grabbed Connor by the collar and pushed him roughly out the way, "Pick on someone your own size" Buffy snarled. Then almost as if in slow motion, the creature let out a furious shriek as Buffy slashed the creature sideways, but as she did so the creature in a last ditch attempted slashed her torso with it's claws with it's dying breath. The creatures slumped on top off Buffy. Buffy let out a cry of pain, that pierced the Hyperion, "BUFFY!!" shouted Angel, terror lighting his eyes as he sprinted towards her. It seemed like he was moving in slow motion, each second was draining more of Buffy's life away. He pulled the monster off her.  
  
Angel gently cradled her head in his lap. Tears were falling down her checks but she couldn't move. The blood was flowing freely and it wouldn't stop, there was too much. Mechanically Angel tore off his shirt sleeve and placed it on Buffy's wound trying desperately to stop the bleeding, but within seconds it was a bloodied rag. "Someone get an ambulance" he cried, his voice all jagged and broken. "It's on it's way" came Cordelia's trembling voice. "Gunn called for one a second ago" Cordelia could feel herself trembling...she didn't tremble. She'd faced apocalypses and people dying everyday, but this was different. Buffy had died twice but she'd never been around. Never seen the Master drink her blood or seen Buffy's broken body from her jump...Buffy was bleeding to death - Buffy wasn't supposed to die, that's not how the story ended, was it?  
  
Buffy could feel darkness surrounding her again, and was unable to stop it. She felt weak, wracked with pain. It hurt her to breath, everything hurt.she was so tired, if she just closed her eyes for a moment...  
  
"Oh no! Keep your eyes open Buffy, look at me" commanded Angel but only in a whisper... please let her live God.please. "It's OK Buffy, you're gonna be fine" he promised, reassuring himself as much as her in the process, as he stroked her hair, gazing tenderly at her. "I hurt Angel" she whispered "I know, we're gonna get you help." Buffy closed her eyes, Angel looked over at. Connor and Dawn stood a little way off. Dawn was having quite hysterics, all the times she'd been mean to Buffy, all her snotty behaviour after her mom had died, every catty remark, every insult after Buffy came back. If she could take it back, but she couldn't and if Buffy died she would have to live with that.  
  
Connor looked on in fear, that woman who he didn't even know had saved his life, Dawn's older sister was dying because of him, because of his stupid, stupid need to prove himself. He'd never seen his dad so terrified. Did he really care about an ex-girlfriend that much? Sure he'd tried everything in his power to help Darla, but this was different. Here was an electricity between them, an indefinable spark. Not even Angel and Cordelia had that. He tried to put his arm round Dawn but she simply shrugged him off, her gaze glued to Buffy and Angel. What was the use of Connor trying to comfort her? It was all her fault, she'd been the one to persuade Connor they needed to fight more, to be more sself-relinet and now...  
  
"Sh-she'll be OK right?" stuttered Dawn, as she saw her sister's large wound and white face "She'll be fine Dawn, I swear" Angel promised but he didn't look at her as he grabbed Buffy's hand, holding it tightly "Hold on Buffy, please" he whispered. ~~~***~~~  
  
Three days later: Angel sat by Buffy's bed while she read yet another get-well card, this one from Cordelia. She looks pain and drawn, but alive, which was a big plus in Angel's book. He'd been by her bed side for the past two days, and looked like, pardon the pun, the living dead. "You feeling any better?" he asked softly "Yeah, the stinging has stopped, and I should be able to take of the bandage in a day or so" "What about yourself?" "I.I think nearly dying again kinda helped me. I've spent the past two years wanting to die again, but nearly dying made me realise I don't want to die. I want to live for a long time. I.I don't' want to loose you again" she admitted, tears trickling down her face. "I don't want to die again" Angel moved closer and gently whipped the tears off her face. "You won't Buffy and you won't have to loose me again. You can stay as long as you like, I'm not going anywhere." Buffy smiled at that. She was begging to feel like the old Buffy again, the one with emotions.  
  
Funny how almost getting killed could make you feel so alive, she remembered Owen first saying those words, so long ago now it seemed like it had happened to a different person. "You saved Connor's life" Angel whispered "I couldn't let him be killed Angel, he's an innocent. I'd do that for any child, but more importantly more importantly he's your son, I couldn't let you loose him." She whispered.  
  
At that moment there was a tap on the door and Cordelia and Dawn came in with Connor both looked pale, Dawn had tears in her eyes. Buffy got her frist propper look at Connor since she had arrived. He was defintely Angel's son - the eyes, the build...she almost breathed a sigh of relif when she noticed none of his features resembled Darla's in the least. She could pretend that she hadn't been invovled. The number of times she'd fantised of her and Angel marring and having children, Connor was almost exactely how she pictured Angel's son. Even his hairstyle was similar. Slightly longer than Angel's with more defined spikes. She wasn't sure what she felt to Connor at that pricse moment - envy? Sadness? Happiness? Connor represented everything she'd ever wanted and it was hard to take that he wasn't her son, hers and Angel's. Darla had got there first just like she always had. *Yeah but she didn't get Angel's heart first - you got that* a little voice reminded her. *That was always reserved for you, no one else, that has to mean something, right?*  
  
It wouldn't be easy. Maybe she and Angel would never get back together but she wasn't the kind of girl to just give up on love - even if she had temporarily for the past four years. If Angel still wanted to be with her she was ready to make sure nothing stood in their way. As for Connor, Buffy realised the boy was already growing on her. She'd just saved his life after all. Looking at him she realised she wanted to be the mother-figure he'd never had. He's lost his childhood and Buffy knew what it felt like to loose that innocence so fast.  
  
She looked round at everyone - Angel, Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn, Fred, Connor, Dawn and a green demon guy in an offensively bright pink suit. "Hey cupcake, glad to see you're up and not-quite about" he grinned. She couldn't help smiling back "Buffy meet Lorne - an anagogic singing demon" Wesley offered "And proud of it too!" added Lorne. All these people - someone of whom she didn't really know had come to visit her - perhaps she wasn't so totally alone as she thought.  
  
"H-hey" stuttered Dawn "Are you gonna be OK?" "Yeah, I needed a few stitches, but nothing my healing won't take care of." She smiled slightly then winced "Oh, OK so no smiling" she muttered, rubbing her head. Connor slowly stepped forward "Uh, I just wanna umm..." he began, Dawn nudged him none too gently "we're sorry" Dawn said "For being so stupid, trying to kill those things by ourselves" Connor added not quite looking at her. "It's OK, in a really weird twisted way it's kind of helped me, when I was dying I suddenly realised that I'd never see anyone again, I wasn't ready. I've been wanting to die for the past two years, and now I realise I don't want to. I guess nearly dying made me feel alive" she said, struggling to explain, Connor nodded in understanding "Does tht make me like Owen?" she asked Angel, who grinned at her "As in Emily Dickens obsessed Owen?" Cordelia asked her ears pricking up, "I remember you stole him from me" "I did not! He wanted to dance with me, and you kept butting in" Buffy glared "Oh I so don't think so, the guy was practically drooling over me, Owen just thought he wanted you cause Angel was following you round like a lost puppy, and you were trying to make him jealous!"  
  
"Hey I wasn't a lost puppy, and since when does Owen matter?" Angel asked, hurt "Since ever!" Cordelia and Buffy exclaimed hotly. Angel glanced at Wesley and Gunn who both shurgged. Who were they to question the strange way the woman's mind worked? "He was my first crush!" "He was my first love!"  
  
Connor and Dawn just stared in horror and embarrassment at the arguing women as the volume reached fever pitch. Dawn shook her head in disbelief as they walked out of the hospital room "Gee and they think we're immature!" she huffed "That's just sad" muttered Connor shaking his head  
  
The End 


End file.
